Talk about selfishness when it's healthy and when it becomes harmful, and why so many people confuse selfishness with self-care. Actors are often um living in one of the two extremes. Some actors believe I have to put myself first all the time. Nobody else is gonna build my career for me if I don't put myself first. And there's truth in that. But taken too far, that belief can create an actor who is inconsiderate, unreliable, opportunistic, and willing to use other people to get ahead. And then on the other side of that, you got some actors who are extremely empathetic. They they take care of everybody. They accommodate everybody. They listen to everybody's problem. They say yes when they really want to say no. They lend money when they don't have it, they offer rides when they're really low on gas. They give referrals, not vetting the person before they refer them. They work for free, which always gets you in trouble, and consistently make themselves available even when it makes them sick. And it may look loving, but it becomes chronic self-neglect. And it is not healthy. And I know because I used to be like that. It becomes a form of self-betrayal. And I didn't know that. It took me years to really figure that out. Now, the selfish actor may lose their community, the overly empathetic actor may lose themselves, and neither extreme creates a sustainable career. So let's open this up and let's talk about it. What is selfishness? That's the first question we want to look at. So, selfishness is the habit of placing your own desires, your own comfort, your own success or interests above the well-being of others, especially when you disregard the consequences of your choices, it can be a big problem. The most important part of that definition is not simply I'm thinking about myself. Thinking about yourself is necessary. The problem is I'm thinking only about myself, and I don't care how my actions affect anybody else. Selfishness says, as long as I get what I want, the consequences are not my problem. My schedule matters, but yours does not. My feelings matter, but yours do not. My feelings are they are so important, but yours are an inconvenience. My career is important, so everyone else needs to adjust. I want to support, but I don't feel responsible for supporting anyone else. I will take the opportunity, the credit, the information, or the connection, even if I have to harm someone else to get it. Selfishness is not simply choosing yourself. It's choosing yourself without conscience, without consideration, fairness, or responsibility. When can self-interest be healthy? This is really important for you to understand that. We need to distinguish self selfishness from healthy self-interest. Healthy self-interest means understanding that you have a responsibility to protect your time, your health, your money, your peace, your values, and your future. And an actor needs healthy self-interest, which is different from being selfish. You may have to decline an unpaid project. You might have to leave an unhealthy creative partnership. You may have to stop working with a representative who does not respect you. And you may have to say no to a friend who consistently interrupts your workday. And that also includes family. You might have to uh protect your preparation time. You might have to spend money on your own headshots, your classes, coaching, marketing, instead of solving everybody else's problem. You might have to leave an event early because you need to rest. And you might have to refuse to participate in gossip. You might also have to remove yourself from a manipulative acting group. And you might have to prioritize your career during a season when greater focus is required. So let's talk about this. But all of the stuff I just gave you is not automatically selfish. Healthy self-interest says, my life, health, career, and well-being matter. The word to is also important because I matter too. You know, in the Bible it says not to think of yourself more highly than others, but to think highly. So we have to find that balance. What is healthy and what is toxic. Selfishness says only I matter. Self-abandonment says everybody matters but me. Balance says I matter and other people matter too. So now we talked about selfishness. Let's break down self-care. Self-care is the intentional practice of caring for your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, relational, and financial well-being. So that you can function responsibly, so that you can function responsibly. And self-care does not merely look like doing what feels good at the moment. Sometimes self-care feels good, and sometimes self-care feels uncomfortable. And self-care may be going to bed instead of scrolling on your phone until two in the morning. It also means preparing for your audition instead of procrastinating. And it may mean going to therapy. Just because we go to therapy, it doesn't mean there's anything um wrong with us that makes us be crazy people. It's just we may be out of alignment. We may need some uh encouragement or somebody to show us a different way to rephrase things or reframe stuff. Self-care is also praying, meditating, or just becoming still. You know, sometimes we just gotta be still, just be quiet. Turn off all the gadgets and just be. Self-care is also paying your bills and having honest conversations. Self-care is asking for help instead of letting your pride get in the way and say, Well, I don't need anybody to help me. We all need help. And self-care may be going to the doctor, which I don't always like to do. So I understand that one. And it also means turning down work that violates your values. As actors, that is so important. We have to look at if I take a job that isn't paying me well, they're not gonna treat me well, why am I doing that job? Gotta, you gotta think about that. Uh self-care is exercising, self-care is eating in a way that supports your body, taking a break before you reach complete exhaustion. You know, instead of going, ah, and you you you're giving everything and you you you're exhausted. Maybe when you start feeling it, to go, I need to take a break now. I need to let me just back up for a second. And self-care is about creating boundaries with people you love because sometimes the people we love, we don't want to disappoint them. So, you know, we'll we'll go outside of our uh outside of our boundaries, but it doesn't help them and it doesn't help us. Self-care requires you sometimes removing yourself from an environment that consistently destabilizes you, right? We we don't want to be somewhere where we're always um off balance. We we want to we want to make sure that we are centered. And self-care is admitting to yourself that you are overwhelmed. Sometimes you get overwhelmed and you need to take a step back, breathe, get back into your body, into yourself. And self-care is also forgiving yourself without excusing any kind of irresponsible behavior. You know, it's just forgiving yourself. And self-care is not an escape from responsibility. Real self-care helps you become more capable of handling your responsibilities. So, when is self-care actually selfishness or avoidance? People sometimes use the phrase self-care to justify behavior that is inconsiderate, dishonest, or irresponsible. They say, Well, you know, I'm protecting my peace, my peace of mind. But what they're what they really mean is I refuse to have this difficult conversation. They say, I have to put myself first, but what they really mean is I expect everybody else to carry the consequences of my actions. They say something like, I'm setting boundaries, but what they're actually doing is punishing people, disappearing without explanation, ghosting, you know what I'm saying? Or refusing to honor a commitment. They may say, I'm taking a mental health day. Really? Uh but this is the fourth time you've canceled at the last minute and let left everybody else scrambling. Self-care does not give you permission to mistreat other people. And boundaries do not eliminate communication. Protecting your peace does not mean creating chaos for everybody else. You you see what I'm saying? Rest is important, but repeatedly avoiding your responsibility, that's not rest, that's avoidance. And there's a difference between I cannot do this and I don't feel like doing this, and I don't care who suffers because I refuse. So, how does selfishness show up in an actor's career? You want to know? Okay. So, selfishness in an actor's uh in an actor doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it appears small, repeated behavior, being chronically late. Oh, I hate that. Uh, you may believe you're only 10 minutes late, but your lateness affects the director, the reader, crew, scene partners, producer, and every actor that's waiting behind you. Your time is not more valuable than everybody else's time. Canceling at the last minute. You know, here's the thing emergencies do happen, but when you're repeatedly backing out of rehearsals or shoots or readings or collaborations because something better comes along, and you tell people that you know you can't make it, what that does is it tells people that your word can't be trusted. You can't be trusted. And making every conversation about you, you ask people to watch your reel, attend your show, share your posts, recommend you, celebrate your bookings. It's all about me, me, me, me, me. Uh, that is selfish. But do you ever ask what they're working on, what they're doing? How can you be of service to them? Do you show up for everybody else? Because when it's all about us and there's no room for other people, that's selfishness. It's like voting. You know, I hear actors all the time, well, it doesn't affect me. Yes, it does. When you don't vote, when you don't uh research to find out what's going on, and you sit out uh elections, you are being selfish. Whether it's elections within the union, if you're a union member or in your city or your or your nation, you are not only being selfish, but you're being irresponsible. And I need to say that because I know so many actors who go, well, you know, I'm not political. We're all political. If you're an actor, you're political. Whether you want to be or not, you're political. And you need to vote according to the consciousness of how it's going to affect the creative community. You know, we're in trouble as actors now because corporations see that we are all about ourselves. We're not about protecting the community. It's all about me, me, me, me, me. And so when we do that, we lessen the power of our union. So what we have going on right now is that um uh commercials, man, they are taking advantage of actors in commercials left and right because so many actors have decided that they're gonna do non non uh union commercial work. So, what does that mean? It means you get paid way less than you should be getting. But you're thinking, hey, I gotta pay my bills right now. I don't have I I can't be thinking about that. But it affects you. You know, it will affect you later. The whole purpose of a union is to protect us. The whole purpose of a union is to make sure they don't rip us off, they don't take advantage of us. But when you back out and you are just, well, I gotta get this paycheck. Well, I'm gonna work under the table, you know, I'm gonna get paid under the table, it may take care of you now, but later on, it's it's going to be detrimental to you as well. Just saying. So, um I I know I I went into Lawrence. I'm back. So, um, how are you treating people? Selfishness is that some actors only communicate when they need a referral, an introduction, a favor, an opportunity. And that's selfish. You're you're not you're not having a relationship with uh other people. What you're doing is only when I need you, I'm tapping in. And that's not networking, that's not relationship. What that is, is that's extraction. It's with, you know, it is when I need you, then I'll call you. When I need something, then I'm gonna. But it it relationship means we show up for each other. We, you know, we we check on each other, we send the text, hey, how you doing? How's it going? Um, we want to build community. Uh that is self-care. So um selfishness is when you're withholding useful information. If you learn about a web uh uh workshop or casting opportunity or resource or industry event, but you refuse to share it with your friends or others because you believe somebody else's success will reduce my chances, then you are living in a mindset of scarcity. You know, everything for you is about, well, if they get it, then I won't. That's a scarcity mindset. That that really is thinking thinking. Or uh selfishness is you take credit for other people's work. Uh a project is collaborative. Writers, crew members, producers, editors, casting professionals, assistants, readers, and scene partners all contribute to a project. A selfish actor behaves as though they created the entire opportunity alone. And yeah, they did not. Or refusing to prepare is selfish. Coming to set or rehearsal unprepared when you don't know your lines, you don't know the material. It doesn't just hurt you, it hurts the whole production and it wastes other people's time and money. Preparation. Listen to this, because preparation is a form of respect. When you are taking a class, when you are on set, when you are doing a self-tape, you need to be prepared. Prepare, do your work, actor. Um, and and selfishness is when you're expecting endless emotional support, but you haven't put anything into that bank account. You haven't put anything into that friendship bank account, that emotional bank account, but you keep wanting to pull. You call everyone when you're rejected, when you're confused, when you're angry, when you're frightened. You want everybody to stop and do for you. But when everybody else is struggling, everybody else is having a problem, you are not available. You know, you dump on everybody else, you, you know, you put your toxicity on everybody else, but you're not there to support everybody else when they're going through a tough season. And selfishness sometimes causes suffering when your comfort, ambition, or desire repeatedly requires someone else to absorb the core, the cost. So I want you to ask yourself who has to clean up after your decisions? Who is carrying the emotional weight that you refuse to carry? Who keeps adjusting because you won't? Who is consistently giving while you're consistently taking? Who is paying the financial, emotional, or professional price for your convenience? You know, um, speaking of that, you know, you go out with a group of people and you're, you know, you guys have to split the bill. So the selfish person buys the most, uh uh, orders the the biggest thing on the menu and then won't leave the biggest portion. You know, and then there are people who may buy a tea and they end up having the to split the bill. Um, or you don't leave your your tip. You, you know, you you your burger cost you 10 bucks. So you are leaving just 10 bucks. There's no tip, there's no tax money, it's just 10 bucks. That is selfish. That that's not good. You know, are your your um are you allowing yourself to disregard other people if your success is built on exploitation, manipulation, or dis disregard, it's gonna blow up in your face. And you may get the opportunity, but you'll lose relationships. You may win an argument, but you're gonna lose other people's trust. You may become successful and then discover that nobody feels safe celebrating with you. So uh we talked about selfishness. Now, the other extreme of that is when empathy becomes the fatal flaw. Um, the thing is, actors need empathy. Empathy helps you understand character, relationships, um, emotional circumstances, human behavior. It allows you to enter lives that are different from your own, but empathy without boundaries becomes dangerous. An overly empathetic actor may be absorbed in everybody else's emotions, and you may feel responsible for fixing everybody else's problems. And you stay in unhealthy relationships way too long. You are where people are tolerating you and not celebrating you, and that is bringing down your confidence, your uh mindset. I mean, it is just taking you down. And you say yes out of guilt when you should be saying no. You work for free when you can't afford to work for free, and it's costing you big time. You allow other people to respect your, to disrespect your time, to disrespect your person. You avoid negotiating because you don't want to appear difficult. That's not taking care of yourself. You refuse to leave an ineffective agent because you feel sorry for them, or you feel like nobody else is going to take you on, and that's a lie. You remain in a bad production because you don't want to disappoint the director. That is not good. Hi, Gloria. I love you too, girl. Um, you give away valuable coaching, advice, labor, or creative ideas, and for what? Nobody's really thanking you. They're taking your stuff and they're not even giving you the credit for it. You apologize for having needs. You confuse being useful with being loved. Sit with that one. And you believe that being kind means never making anyone uncomfortable. And sometimes being kind means you have to speak the truth. You have to say, This is making me very uncomfortable. I'm not going to be here. Um, that kind of empathy does not make you more loving. Eventually, what it does is it makes you exhausted, resentful. Uh, you start to become passive-aggressive, you're financially unstable, and emotionally you become unavailable. You can't continue rescuing other people and then become angry because they expect to be rescued. Um, years ago, I was dating this guy, and he uh we got into this thing, and and and I I blew up because I felt like he was being selfish. It was all about him, him, him, him, him. And he said to me, You taught me how to treat you. That was the most profound thing anyone ever said to me. It was me who had created that monster. I was so busy giving, giving, giving that I never took, um, I never took into inventory like, hey, what do I need today? How is it helping me today? So I'm sharing this with you to help you, depending on what side of the seesaw you are on, how to get that balance back, how to, how to, instead of being one way or the other, get to center. Because at some point you got to examine why you keep volunteering for uh toxic positions or you keep showing up expecting everybody else to bow down to you. And so empathy isn't the same as responsibility, you can understand someone's feelings without accepting responsibility for fixing their lives. And you can care about someone without agreeing with them. You know, I I may love you, but I might not agree with your choices. And you can support somebody without financing them. You know, sometimes you gotta let people figure it out financially. You know, uh if if they're deciding not to take on jobs because they want to be that actor, good for them, but that doesn't mean you gotta pay their light bill or or their gas bill. You can encourage someone without becoming their therapist. And if you are their therapist, charge them because we pay attention for things we pay for, and you can be compassionate without sacrificing your career, and you can love somebody and still being able to say no. So I just want to share that with you because as actors, some of us become people pleasers, and being a people pleaser is not community care. Some actors confuse people pleasing with generosity, some people please um uh because they're they're in fear of of some maybe rejection or they're in fear of conflict or they they fear being called selfish, you know, or they feel, you know, when I was younger, my my fear was that I was a bad Christian. If I didn't say yes, if I wasn't the doormat, if I didn't do, I mean, I was like, man, and then one day I woke up, I was like, nope, that's not what it is, I'm not doing that. You know, or you are afraid somebody's gonna leave you, or you're afraid of being seen as difficult, or you're afraid people are gonna talk about you. That fear. True generosity is chosen free freely. You know, if you give, you give without any strings attached. That is how it is. If you give from fear, you're gonna eventually expect a repayment or you're gonna feel resentful. And that's not really giving. That that's something else. So I just wanted to share that with you and and get you to start thinking about balance, self-respect, and social responsibility. Put that around you. An actor finds balance by developing two qualities at the same time. You you're um you're developing um, you're developing self-respect so that you can um take care of yourself, understanding that with self-respect, your health matters, your time matters, your money matters, your career matters, and your safety matters. Your spiritual and emotional well-being matters, and your boundaries deserve to be communicated. You know, I started learning to say no. How do you say no? Say, oh, thank you so much for that. But you know what? That doesn't work for me. Thank you so much. I spent a whole year that I had to say no, no matter what anybody asks me. I'll go, no, thank you. Nope, nope, nope. And then give myself 24 hours to 48 hours to decide if I wanted to change my mind and go, you know what, I'd like to do that. But I had to say no. And I'm gonna tell you, the first six months of saying no was so hard for me. It's not hard for me no more, no mas. Um, so and and um part of balance is being socially responsible, knowing that our choices affect other people, our words matter. Um, we want to communicate clearly, we want to um honor our commitments. If I say I'm gonna do something to do it, um, not to exploit people, you know, uh contribute when I can and then say I can't right now. Treat people with dignity, regardless of their position. If they're the janitor, if they're the extra, they get treated the same as the CEO of a company. Be responsible, you know, uh to leave a community stronger than you found it. Um, so I just wanted to share that. So I want to quickly give you five questions to help you find balance. So the first question is: am I protecting myself or am I avoiding responsibility? Think about that. Am I protecting myself or avoiding responsibility? Who will carry the cost of this decision? Every decision has a cost. So who's gonna pay for that? Because every decision comes with a cost, it comes with a price. Um I saying yes from love or fear that's a big one. When you say yes, is it from love or is it from fear? And can you give freely without resentment? And then the last one is is this fair, honest, and sustainable? A healthy decision should be something you can continue without destroying yourself or repeating or repeatedly harming others. And then there's the pause before the yes. Actors need to stop answering every request immediately. Like I said earlier, I spent a whole year just saying no. Allow yourself to say, let me look at my schedule. Let me think about it before I was refore I realistically can commit to something. I would like to help, but I can't take that on right now. That's a very good uh sentence to use. I would like to help, but I can't take that on right now. Can you say that? Um, another one is I can give you 20 minutes, but I cannot manage the entire project. You know, I can't work for free is another one, but I can't recommend another resource. Or I'm unavailable that day. That's a great thing to say. I care about you, but I'm not equipped to solve this. My favorite line is that is over my pay grade. I am so sorry, that's just over my pay grade. And uh another question is I need more information before I agree. So I want you to think about all these things and how can you practice real self-care? How can you protect your preparation? How can you uh create financial boundaries? How can you limit emotional dumping? You know, if you have a friend who is always calling you to dump, maybe when you see them calling, let it go to voicemail and hear what they gotta say before you actually talk to them. And how do you um how do you schedule your time? It's very important, you know. So anyway, I hope that this has helped you. I hope that you um are starting to understand the difference between selfishness and self-care, and how do you find that healthy balance? Because there are times when we got to put ourselves first, but then there are times we got to put the community at large first. So I want you to, you know, know the difference. Know the difference, okay? I this is something I was thinking about for the last few weeks because that scripture that I shared with you, think of yourself highly, but not more highly than others, is really big. You know, we gotta think of ourselves like we matter, but we don't matter more than everybody else, but we do matter. So that's what I have for you today. Um check me out on actingsmarternow.com if you need any kind of support, if you need um a one-on-one coaching, or if you want to join the community, acting smarter um circle dot com. Join us. We we get together every Monday night, six thirty p.m. uh Pacific Standard Time, and we are doing some mighty work. Okay, all righty. I will talk to you next time. See ya.